Running From Myself
Written Anonymously As many others do, I gained ‘the freshman fifteen’. I was lucky to be able to go to the university of my choice which not only had great academics but was also in a fabulous city with a known social culture.
Growing up, I was a student athlete and my family was very holistic with a focus on healthy meals. When starting college, alcohol wasn’t new to me and I knew how to maintain a balanced diet when healthy foods were available.
My weight gain didn’t make me fat, or unhealthy, it was just a little belly that sprouted from trying new things. Eating in dining halls meant multiple plates and unlimited options; being out until two in the morning meant late night snacks: from pizza to mozzarella sticks. And while drinking was something I had previously tried, it was now commonplace – happening several times a week and in much larger quantities. The normal college story, right?
By spring break, I realized that my decisions were becoming a bit unhealthy and that I needed to make some adjustments. I knew how to work out from playing sports in high school, and now it was something that would need to be reincorporated into my daily schedule. I was going to be able to conquer the weight I gained and create better balance in my life.
As the months went on, I began running, weight training, and calorie tracking. I allowed myself to still go out, but to only eat “late night” food at home: a healthier option. I could enjoy one sweet drink a night, but stick to healthier, less caloric options for the rest of the evening. I created what I thought was a healthy approach to being in control of my body. I came home that first summer, already down five of the pounds I had gained, and all I heard were comments on my body:
“Your sister did that too her freshman year… It'll come off… Have you tried to increase your running?”
I believe that these comments were intended to be reassuring, telling me my weight gain was normal and something that I could quickly fix. But why was that the dialogue? Why wasn’t there praise about my two dean’s list semesters my very first year in college? Why did the boys who came back with “beer bellies” not get the same fitness lessons? Why was everyone in my family, and even mere acquaintances, comparing me to the body shape I had in high school instead of focusing on the intelligence and maturity I had gained in that year?
The most embarrassing and infuriating comment I got was when I was visiting my high school administrator to share how much they had helped prepare me for higher education. Rather than acknowledging my success, he told me to contact an old classmate who had managed to keep that “freshman weight” off. Why did he think that was appropriate and why was he not honored by my admiration of his teaching?
Overtime, I worked harder and harder in the gym. Running became something I really enjoyed and the change in my body felt good. The weight came off quickly, but comments on my body remained:
“Wow you’ve gotten strong… Are you sure you need to record everything you eat?... Now that you’re running so far, you should train for a half marathon, I’m sure it would be great.”
As a result, my fitness journey became a competition that I worked hard to maintain. I focused so hard on my weight and on what my body looked like - more than I focused on some of my classes. School came easily to me, but being a big chested girl, being bigger boned, and being taller was a challenge that I thought I had to overcome. This journey was supposed to be a healthy one, but with all of the outside influence it became one that was ever consuming. I began making poor decisions – I’d miss out on social opportunities, cut nights short to make sure I could run in the morning, and not let myself be comfortable around potential romantic interests because my body “wasn’t quite ready” for a boy to see.
I do not think I had an eating disorder, but I don’t want to discount the feelings and struggles for individuals who do. What I do know is that I suffer from social anxiety. The normal fluctuation I had with my weight consumed me because of others’ perspectives and social pressures. I let others’ comments change my opinion of myself.
The burden I carried was of those around me. Of the perception of what an attractive woman is. And of a woman being determined by her beauty. I graduated college with honors and also with comments that I “looked good” in photos and at my virtual graduation celebration. Why can’t others be proud of more than just how I look, and not of who I am now?
As I enter the next phase of my life, I want to be seen as smart, strong, capable, and healthy. More so, I want to see myself as all of those things. My physical thinness or lack thereof does not determine who I am – I do.